My Mother - A New Relationship

My relationship with my mother was very strained while she was alive.  As I was growing up, she said many things to me that caused me a great deal of pain and anguish.  I've had to work hard to overcome the resulting emotional fall-out and behavioral issues.  I have come to realize that perhaps the things she said were not out of a desire to hurt me.  Rather, it was a misguided attempt to help me learn and grow.  Perhaps she didn't know any other way.  I wish I could have had a better relationship with her, but that was not to be.

Mom died rather suddenly about 3 years ago.  I thought that with her passing, my relationship with her would end.  But that's not exactly true.  I think about her sometimes and even have conversations in my mind with her.  Does this mean I can "feel" her presence?  I don't really know.  Perhaps.

I have a friend who calls himself a medium - someone who can contact the dead.  It used to be that I considered all such things to be utterly ridiculous, but I have since changed my mind and I now keep a fairly open mind about paranormal phenomena.  There is a lot about life and the universe that we don't understand, and probably some of it we will never understand.  The fact that we don't understand it or can't prove it, though, does not mean that it isn't real or that it doesn't exist.

So the other day, I asked my friend if he would try to contact my mother.  He concentrated for a few minutes and then said that he could sense her presence.  He then proceeded to tell me things about myself as a child and my relationship with my mother, then and more recently.  These were things that he would not have known, but he was dead on!  And I don't consider these to be things that are "normal" or that he could have been successful with a lucky guess.  He also told me that my mother doesn't hang around me all of the time, but she checks in every now and then to see how I'm doing.  That would make sense - there were four of us and if she (or her spirit) really is keeping tabs on us, she would have to make the rounds!

Somehow I find that comforting.  I would like to think it's true.  Maybe it is - my friend did know some things that he should not have known.  I can't explain that.  But even if it is not true, my mother lives on in my heart and in my memory.  I can continue to "talk to her" and I can continue to build a relationship with her.  It's a different kind of relationship than what we would have if she were still alive, but it's still a relationship.  Perhaps it's a relationship worth pursuing.

Lost and Found

What does it mean to be lost?
What is it to turn one's back on God?

I have been lost.

Denying who I am
Trying to squeeze into a mold that doesn't fit
         Made for me
         By someone else
         In someone else's image
Ashamed because I can't fit.

Running away
        Trying to flee from the true self within
        Who is so desperately wanting to come out.
If I run fast enough maybe I can lose myself.

Faster and faster
Turning my back on God.

Until...........

Something urges me to stop for a moment
        I hear God's voice
        Asking me to turn around

And as I turn, my inner self begins to appear
        Very timidly at first
        Then more and more boldly
And she is smilling!

I start running towards God
Faster and faster.

I am found.

Choices

Life is full of choices.  I am where I am in part because of the choices I've made.  I've made some significant choices in the past decade.   I chose to seek help from a therapist to work through my issues.  I discovered that I can choose NOT to be like my parents and instead choose to be the kind of person that I want to be.  I chose to get out of an unhealthy marriage, even though it was hard.  I chose to pursue my dream of attending seminary and training for a second career in the ministry.  I chose to leave the Unitarian Universalist tradition when I felt that it wasn't feeding me appropriately.  I chose to join the United Church of Christ tradition and to become baptized.  I chose to see a nutrition therapist and an eating disorder therapist because I have an unhealthy relationship with food.  I chose to seek help from a specialist in treating my diabetes.  I chose to seek help in dealing with my depression and am now on an anti-depressant that seems to be working quite well.  I chose to be more proactive in finding an intimate relationship by joining a dating service.  I don't know if we can choose to love ourselves, but I can choose not to engage in negative self talk anymore and I can choose to be more ready to acknowledge and appreciate my good qualities.  Perhaps that will lead to true self-love.

I am now choosing to start this blog.  In a few weeks, I will be embarking on another journey in spiritual leadership and I will be working on my spiritual life.  All of my choices have been made with the ultimate goal of becoming a complete human being and this latest choice is at least as important as any of the other choices.  I expect this adventure with my spiritual self will provide a lot of material for blogging.  Stay tuned!