Anxious Anticipation

Tomorrow I start in the extended Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) program at Harris Methodist Hospital.  My classroom work will be at Harris Methodist Downtown and my practical will be at Harris Methodist Southwest.  One thing we were told to do before starting the program was to try to identify those things that we are anxious about.  Here is my list:

• I'll get lost (hospitals are big and seem a lot like mazes)
• I won't know what to say
• I'll feel really awkward and won't know what to do
• I'll say the wrong thing
• I won't be able to pray out loud without stumbling all over myself
• I'll be too empathetic and will get too emotional
• I'll get sick and won't be able to get in all of the required hours
• I'm not sure how I'll handle being with someone when they die - that is new for me
• I won't be able to remember conversations well enough to write a verbatum
• I'll be intimidated by the doctors and I'll have trouble asserting my authority

Well - that's all I can think of for now.  That is certainly enough!  Some of these are probably things that everyone worries about and once they get into the program they become non issues.  But others may not be so easy to dismiss.  Time will tell how this turns out.  I am fortunate in that the supervisor for the classroom work used to be my spiritual director.

I am anxious, but I am also anticipating that this will be a valuable growth experience for me.  Who knows, I may find that this type of work is something that will call to me.

A Sad Leaving and a Happy Landing

Last year in June I had to leave the Unitarian Universalist congregation that was my church home for over 7 years.  The minister of the church resigned because of budgetary issues and since I was a ministerial candidate, the head of the Ministerial Fellowship Committee told me I had to leave as well.  He said it was because there couldn’t be any kind of perception that I had been antagonistic or that I was waiting in the wings to take over for the minister after he left – even though I hadn’t been doing any of those things.  In fact, I was one of the biggest allies for the minister.

So I had to just disappear.  I am still very sad about that.  I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.  I wasn’t able to give a goodbye sermon or even just publicly say goodbye.  There was no goodbye reception, even though the congregation gave a big goodbye reception for the minister.  It’s almost like I had never been there even though I gave my heart and soul to that place for seven years.  I just had to disappear – there hasn’t been any closure.

I have very mixed emotions about my leaving.  I loved the people there and I miss them.  I suppose it is petty and selfish (I am human after all) but I must confess that I am upset that there wasn’t any kind of goodbye party or reception for me.  I did so much for that church and there wasn't even a public acknowledgment of all that I had done - not even for what I had done during my year of supervised ministry.  It makes me feel like all of my efforts were unappreciated, even though I know that is not true.  It’s just a very sad thing and I am still grieving the loss.

But God has a funny way of working.  That incident forced me to really think about where I want to be.  I had been thinking about leaving Unitarian Universalism and exploring the United Church of Christ.   My having to leave the UU church gave me the push I needed to explore other options.  I am now involved with a wonderful United Church of Christ congregation and I have found a home with that denomination.  This was a significant change since I had been a life-long Unitarian Universalist.  Now I am well along the path to ordination in the United Church of Christ tradition.  I have learned to embrace Christianity – I have been baptized – and I know that I am now where I was meant to be.

As the old saying goes – when one door closes another opens up. 

Liminality

Liminality - that space between what was and what will be...what came before and what comes next.  It can be a very uncomfortable space or it can be a time for grounding, recharging, dreaming and discerning.  I am in such a state right now - between the near end of one career and the beginning of another.  What will my future ministry be?  This is a period of discernment and I ask God to help me keep an open mind to the options and possibilities.

Last night in our Sacred Conversations group we talked about some songs that spoke of the in-between time and of being on the edge of change.  One metaphor used was that of the time between night and day - light and dark - and standing right on the edge.  I feel like I'm nearing that edge but I'm not quite there yet.  The vision is not clear - clouds are in the way.  Sometimes the clouds cover my entire vision of the future and I feel like I'm groping in the dark.  Then the clouds move around and I can make out bits and pieces of the future.  Other times, the clouds are almost gone and I catch a glimpse of what I can become.  Then the vision clouds up again.  The clouds keep moving around revealing possibilities and then covering them up only to reveal other possibilities.

Faith is believing that I will make it through the liminal times and that I will be able to discern what I am meant to do - what God wants me to do.  No need to panic.  I can rest in this space with a sense of wonder and anticipation.

Dear God - I ask that you walk with me during this liminal time.  Help me open my mind and heart to all of the possibilities that you set before me.  Grant me the wisdom to discern the path that I am meant to take.  Amen.

My Mother - A New Relationship

My relationship with my mother was very strained while she was alive.  As I was growing up, she said many things to me that caused me a great deal of pain and anguish.  I've had to work hard to overcome the resulting emotional fall-out and behavioral issues.  I have come to realize that perhaps the things she said were not out of a desire to hurt me.  Rather, it was a misguided attempt to help me learn and grow.  Perhaps she didn't know any other way.  I wish I could have had a better relationship with her, but that was not to be.

Mom died rather suddenly about 3 years ago.  I thought that with her passing, my relationship with her would end.  But that's not exactly true.  I think about her sometimes and even have conversations in my mind with her.  Does this mean I can "feel" her presence?  I don't really know.  Perhaps.

I have a friend who calls himself a medium - someone who can contact the dead.  It used to be that I considered all such things to be utterly ridiculous, but I have since changed my mind and I now keep a fairly open mind about paranormal phenomena.  There is a lot about life and the universe that we don't understand, and probably some of it we will never understand.  The fact that we don't understand it or can't prove it, though, does not mean that it isn't real or that it doesn't exist.

So the other day, I asked my friend if he would try to contact my mother.  He concentrated for a few minutes and then said that he could sense her presence.  He then proceeded to tell me things about myself as a child and my relationship with my mother, then and more recently.  These were things that he would not have known, but he was dead on!  And I don't consider these to be things that are "normal" or that he could have been successful with a lucky guess.  He also told me that my mother doesn't hang around me all of the time, but she checks in every now and then to see how I'm doing.  That would make sense - there were four of us and if she (or her spirit) really is keeping tabs on us, she would have to make the rounds!

Somehow I find that comforting.  I would like to think it's true.  Maybe it is - my friend did know some things that he should not have known.  I can't explain that.  But even if it is not true, my mother lives on in my heart and in my memory.  I can continue to "talk to her" and I can continue to build a relationship with her.  It's a different kind of relationship than what we would have if she were still alive, but it's still a relationship.  Perhaps it's a relationship worth pursuing.

Lost and Found

What does it mean to be lost?
What is it to turn one's back on God?

I have been lost.

Denying who I am
Trying to squeeze into a mold that doesn't fit
         Made for me
         By someone else
         In someone else's image
Ashamed because I can't fit.

Running away
        Trying to flee from the true self within
        Who is so desperately wanting to come out.
If I run fast enough maybe I can lose myself.

Faster and faster
Turning my back on God.

Until...........

Something urges me to stop for a moment
        I hear God's voice
        Asking me to turn around

And as I turn, my inner self begins to appear
        Very timidly at first
        Then more and more boldly
And she is smilling!

I start running towards God
Faster and faster.

I am found.

Choices

Life is full of choices.  I am where I am in part because of the choices I've made.  I've made some significant choices in the past decade.   I chose to seek help from a therapist to work through my issues.  I discovered that I can choose NOT to be like my parents and instead choose to be the kind of person that I want to be.  I chose to get out of an unhealthy marriage, even though it was hard.  I chose to pursue my dream of attending seminary and training for a second career in the ministry.  I chose to leave the Unitarian Universalist tradition when I felt that it wasn't feeding me appropriately.  I chose to join the United Church of Christ tradition and to become baptized.  I chose to see a nutrition therapist and an eating disorder therapist because I have an unhealthy relationship with food.  I chose to seek help from a specialist in treating my diabetes.  I chose to seek help in dealing with my depression and am now on an anti-depressant that seems to be working quite well.  I chose to be more proactive in finding an intimate relationship by joining a dating service.  I don't know if we can choose to love ourselves, but I can choose not to engage in negative self talk anymore and I can choose to be more ready to acknowledge and appreciate my good qualities.  Perhaps that will lead to true self-love.

I am now choosing to start this blog.  In a few weeks, I will be embarking on another journey in spiritual leadership and I will be working on my spiritual life.  All of my choices have been made with the ultimate goal of becoming a complete human being and this latest choice is at least as important as any of the other choices.  I expect this adventure with my spiritual self will provide a lot of material for blogging.  Stay tuned!